SMILE TO A BABY

Smile to a baby. His face lights up with joy. Uninhibited by fears, shyness or other social and emotional hang-ups, he readily shows you his pleasure. Yet a child of any age basks in the radiance of your smile, though he may not be so quick to reveal his pleasure.

Someone writes: "Who knows which is more beneficial for a child's health and development – the food he eats or the warmth he is shown? And it is known that it is very difficult for a child who has been raised without warmth to be healthy emotionally."

Even in the first days of a child's life, while still in the hospital, there is a noticeable difference between infants who have been hugged and touched by their mothers and those who have not.
Every parent knows the exquisite feeling of love. Expressing the love that we feel toward our children, through words and actions on a consistent basis, conveys to them that they are important to you and that they are accepted.
A smile from a parent envelops the child in love. Smile all you can, shower them with the sunshine of your love.
Tell them in clear, direct language how much you love them and how much you enjoy having them around. One woman I know likes to remind her children again and again that she is a billionaire, since each of her children is worth billions.
Surprise your child with little trinkets now and then, and tell him, "Son, I was thinking about you today." Your child will get the message that you truly care about him, he will be able to touch and feel your love, and he will treasure both the gift and its message.
Engage your child in casual conversation. Tell him about your day, about your feelings, about your hopes and dreams. Not only will he reciprocate in kind, following your lead, but these conversations will demonstrate how important he is to you and how much you enjoy his company.
Beware of hinging your love for your child on his behavior, actions or deeds. Don't fall into the trap of "if/then" love: If you do well on your test, then I will be warm to you. If you fail, then you will be subject to an icy reception from me. True, disciplining our children is imperative if we want them to grow up as healthy, strong and successful individuals. That is why, when we truly care for our children and keep their best interests at heart, discipline is love. When disciplining with love, we do not hesitate to teach our children the law of cause and effect by punishing when necessary, but we do so with love in our hearts. The child can learn that there are negative consequences to negative actions and positive consequences for positive actions in a calm and loving manner.
Unconditional and consistent love, regardless of what he does or says, is the greatest gift you can give your child. It is a clear message that he has inherent value and will eventually have the capacity to experience G‑d's unconditional love for him as well. As it says in Ethics of the Fathers, Israel is precious and are called children of G‑d; an extra measure of love was given to them by telling them they are children of G‑d. The strength he will derive from the deep knowledge that he is acknowledged, loved and an important human being will help him overcome all obstacles

PARENTS FOR NEEDY CHILDREN

Some kids are needier than others. A needy child demands the parent's attention in various ways – through talking a lot, asking for lots of things (food, toys, material items, privileges, treats), responding to minor stresses with intense drama, and otherwise seeking lots of attention and connection. Such children can exhaust their parents. In most cases, there are other kids in the family who also need attention – perhaps there is a toddler and/or infant. It's hard to deal with really little ones and a bigger child who "should" be past the needy stage but somehow isn't. What can parents do?

Helping Your Needy Child
Needy children are that way because of inborn temperamental traits (unless they are only temporarily needy due to illness or a particular stress or upset). In most cases, they will tend to remain more demanding throughout childhood. For this reason, parents need to help themselves as well as their child. Here are some strategies for both:
Try to take parenting breaks – a night out for a class, regular contact with friends, a personal hobby or exercise routine. Don't lock yourself up in the house all the time with a needy child – it won't be good for either of you!
Read parenting books and take parenting courses – you need more information and options than parents of non-needy children. Keep picking up new tips and strategies because every little bit helps.
Don't feel obliged to constantly listen to or attend to your needy child. You can set limits on the demands that are put upon you. You can say things like: "Please don't ask me anything else for the next hour – I need some quiet time."
Even when your needy child doesn't like it, you can say "no." "No, I can't watch right now." "No, you can't buy another sweater." "No, you can't have anything more to eat." Of course, try to say "yes" whenever possible, but don't sweat over saying "no." Teach your needy child not to whine or tantrum when he or she doesn't get the answer that was desired.
Don't blame your child for being needy and demanding – it wasn't his or her choice. Try to be compassionate; the child is born with a bottomless pit and it actually hurts.
Use rules and structure to set limits on what the child can have and/or ask. For instance, "You can ask me for only one new item every two weeks, so think carefully about what you want to ask for."
Use "Emotional Coaching" (naming your child's feelings) to help your child cope with the disappointment of not getting what he or she wanted. For instance, "I know that it's frustrating not to be able to have that toy when everyone else in the class seems to have it. That's really annoying. I know you're not happy about it."
Stay calm when dealing with this child. Manage your own stress as well as possible (try to get some sleep!) and call a professional counselor when you're having trouble staying "nice."
The Torah tells us to "educate a child according to his way" which means that we will have to individualize our parenting strategies to some extent for each one of our children. When we have a needy child, we have to recognize the child's challenge and our own, and do our best to lovingly address both.

By Sara Chana Radcliffe Thursday, March 18, 2010